Adam Levine Got Married Today! :(

 

I think I speak for every woman here when I say:

I’m going to find out where you live, Adam Levine. So, one day when you come home to an expected empty house, you’ll find your wife there. Only, you’ll think it’s your wife because I’ll be wearing her clothes and the same hair style. Then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi, honey. I’ve been waiting for hours for you.” You’ll be shocked that it isn’t me. But I will continue to seduce you by pointing a gun at you. Then we’ll make love. And you’ll realize as you start to cry, I am your true wife.

Jenny Palmer

P.S. A good tip to please a man is to give him oral sex with your one hand while having a gun in the other pointed up against his scrotum.

 

I’m Finally Coming Out! I’m Gay!

That’s right! Your good old mister nice congenial friendly Alford Mayer is coming out of the closet.  I’m not afraid of hiding anymore.

You’re probably all shocked, Facebook friends. You f***ers in high school used to make fun of me for being in Mathletes.  But you didn’t have a f***ing clue I was gay.  You missed out big time, you f***ing morons.

And to you @Cindy Fitzpatrick, my high school sweetheart:

I bet this makes no sense considering how much I banged you, you f***ing whore.

And to my parents:

You may have raised me, gave me emotional support, and bought me what I truly needed.  But you can both go to hell!  I don’t need you anymore.  I’M GAY!

And to the illegal immigrants who I befriended on my way crossing into Mexico from New Mexico and subsequently added as Facebook friends:

I called the border patrol on you f***ers right away.  That’s how you got caught.  But thanks for the tips of how to advance further into your country.

And to the African Americans, who I helped gain employment in Detroit:

I am actually a RACIST.  You may be working for my drug trade business that I brought in from Mexico.  But you’re only being paid half of what you should be.  The white people in the gang get paid twice what you do secretly.  Also, those houses I helped you get–it’s a ponzi scheme that benefits ME!

And to the U.S. Federal Government, who is looking for me now:

You think can catch me?! Wrong! I’m standing right now in the FBI headquarters and everybody is just walking by.  You’re all just a bunch of homophobic pieces of ****.

And to the singer of Vampire Weekend:

I don’t think your last album The Modern Vampires of the City was that great.  Its acclaim was mainly based on your past two albums and the critics were too scared to criticize your album.

And to my dog, Smithy:

I was the one who spray-painted LOSER on you.  It wasn’t “some burglar” like I told you it was.  I’m gay now, though.  So, f**k you.

And to the LGBT community:

Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m just going support the rights of Lesbians, Bisexuals, or Transsexuals.

That’s all I have to say for now.  Thank you all for reading.  I love you all very much.

Sincerely,

Alford Mayer

If Hillary Clinton Becomes President, She’ll Only Be a Sex Object to Me

I think I speak for everyone when I say, if Hillary Clinton ever becomes president, she’ll only be a sex object to me.  Just look at this picture below of her.

She is beautiful.  Look at the way BOTH of her eyes look to the right when she is looking to the right.  She’s smiling at me right now.  Do you think other people could take this person seriously as a president of the free world?  Congress is controlled by about 16% of women.  That means the 84% of Congress is going to get a hard-on when dealing with this babe.  International leaders too.

What we need is someone who looks like this, instead:

Look at this f***ing ugly woman.  Angela Merkel is disgusting.  She’s a monster.  This is someone men could deal with in negotiations.  It looks like she got punched in the face by the OBGYN right as her head popped out.  That’s the way I like my women to look–in business or politics.  Just like this.

So, until we find a suitable female candidate with the right qualification to be president, I will not be voting in the next election.

Raymond Wyatt
Mr. Wyatt lives at 04431 Gunter St, Houston, TX, 77020 for now.

Feminists, Leave Those Kids Alone!

Thesis Statement: Feminism is cute–cute in a my 5-year-old just painted a really bad picture by adult standards, but you are proud of the child for making artistic progress. Throughout the last 100 years, women have been given lots of accommodations.  They’ve been given the right to abortions, etc…  What more can they possibly want?!  Do they want men to carry around gestating babies in giant glass containers?

These feminists have made little girls into complicated women so complicated, I cannot even talk to a woman without offending her.  I don’t know what to do.  I would’ve been better off born into a different century where I could just marry a nice gal and settle down.  She would make the babies and tend to our home.  I would go out and work in my dream job of politics.

Realistically, I will probably have to end up adopting a child to ever own one.  But I would make sure to teach him or her my way of thinking.  Feminists are a lot like the greedy corporations around today.  They want one thing; then if you give them that, they want something else.  When will it end?  That is my final thought.

Robert Diaz
Mr. Diaz currently lives at 2020 N Bissell St. in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago, IL.

My Husband Is Suddenly Seeming Happy; He Must Be Having an Affair

Dear readers,

Please give me advice on this horrible situation that I am in.  Facing infidelity in a marriage is one of the biggest challenges anyone will ever face.  Is divorce the answer?  If not, can the adulterer ever be forgiven for his betrayal?  Has the adulterer done this before?  Will he do it again?  

My husband and I are parents for three wonderful children.  Two girls and one boy.  The past three years my husband and I have been absolutely miserable.  But yesterday, when my husband came home from work, my husband had an inexplicable exuberance shining about everything he did.  He was no longer just floating through the daily routine when he was playing with our kids.  He smiled at me often.  He helped clean the dishes and do other chores without even me asking him to do so.  And then the final straw came: at bedtime he tried to have sex with me.

“What are you doing?!” I proclaimed.  “Stop that.”  The nerve he had to try to actually go in the same bed as me.  What on earth was he thinking?

Then it dawned on me.  He’s screwing some broad.  This has given him a sexual energy, which in turn has given him some sort of new hope for life.  The dopamine has produced all sorts of new serotonin in him, changing him completely.  This was not the man I’ve watched deteriorate over the last three years of our marriage.

How do I confront him about his affair?  Or should I just pack up and leave one of these days with our three kids taking them to my parent’s? 

Gender Inequalities

Often, women talk about how men have it better than them.  Men get more money on average for not necessarily doing better work, but because women have the capability to house babies inside of them.  It’s very unfair in my opinion.  But there are other ways that men are treated unfairly compared to women.

For instance, I desire to join a sorority house as I am in college, but the head sisters tell me “No! You can’t join, because you are a man. This is a woman’s only club.”  What right do they have to exclude from such a club?  If I was black and a woman, this would be racism.  But BECAUSE I’M A MAN, I say it’s downright sexism.

Back in high school, I wanted to play for the women’s basketball team.  But the coaches told me that I could not.  My parents and I were very upset.  We took legal action against the school.  So, eventually they let me on the team.  I dominated in practice and during games.  The women didn’t stand a chance against me.  I was naturally faster, stronger, and taller than all of them.  Plus, I was a pretty darn good shooter.

So, right now I’m preparing to take legal action against this sorority whom I won’t name in this article for privacy reasons.

Another aspect of society that has always bothered is that I can’t use the “Women’s Bathroom”.  Why is this?  I share a bathroom with my mother and sister at my house.  We never go at the same time, but still there are lots of stalls in public bathrooms.  As a little boy, my mother would bring me into the ladies room.  Ooh, but now that I’m a grown man, it’s suddenly a different story.  What’s the difference if I watch porn on my cell phone in the ladies’ room versus the men’s room?  I’m still in a stall.  Strangers are still hearing it.  What’s the difference if those strangers are women or men?  I’ll never see them again.  I’d just walk out of the stall and as I wash my hands and tidy up be like, “Hey, what’s up? How’s your day going?”

Also, when I’m on a double date with my guy friend, I’ll no longer feel secluded when my girlfriend and his girlfriend go to the bathroom together.  “We’re going to hit the ladies’ room,” they will say.  “Oh, I’ll come to,” I will reply.  And then I will just go into to the women’s bathroom with them.  And if the stalls are busy, I will say, “Oh, it looks like the stalls are kind of busy.  I will go use the men’s room and be right back.  Just wait up for me.”

Or if all three of the stalls are open, we can all just urinate at the same time.  And then I can look over to my girlfriend and make sure she is okay.  “You okay there, honey?” I will ask.  I’m sure she would say, “Yep. Thanks for asking, honey.”  Or maybe I would be like, “So, that’s how women go pee in public restrooms,” even though I already know how they do, you know.  It would just make for a great conversation starter.

Then we could carry on this conversation back to the dinner table and it would be a lot of fun.  My friend might ask, “How was the trip to the loo?”  And then I’d say, “Very productive.”

Back on point, now.  Sorry about that whole tangent I just went on.

Sorority, you’re going down!

Cyber Bullying

Hi Everyone,

My name is Bethany Michaels.  I am your typical teenage girl in high school.  I am also the target of harassment daily from popular girls in my class in the form of cyber bullying.  They tease about the way I look saying:

1.”You’re uglier than my grandfather if his skin were peeled off,” – Karla S.

2. “Bet your mom wanted to exchange you for a different baby as soon as you came out of her…She screamed a desperate cry ‘NO!!!! Why?!!!! This wasn’t supposed to be like this.  That nose…the horrible nose…does she have the mouth of a hooker?’ ” Jane R.

3. “Hey, if I was a man, I’d murder you to make sure that no one else could ever reproduce with you as to do a great service to the world.  It would be the one time that murdering someone would be okay other than if they were trying to kill you or other people.” -Sara T.

4. “I wouldn’t mind just chopping off your head as a trophy of some sort.” -Jenny B.

5. “Did you know that in ancient Greece, the saying was, ‘If a woman is ugly, cut out her eyes’?” – Angela O.

6. “You are like the spawn of Satan and one of those girls from those renaissance paintings.” -Valerie E.

7. “I saw you eating today.  It was disgusting.  A sandwich filled with deli meat, lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and mayonnaise, along with a Dannon yogurt, and a bottled yogurt.  Why don’t you just go kill yourself?” -Rachel W.

8. “Hey, there is a party that we’d all like to invite you to so we can strip you naked and display you in front of everyone at the party in a glass case that will slowly fill with water and drown you.” Sun V.

9. “Keep coming to school.  We’re counting on it.  Because we know one day you’re going to snap and become a mass murderer.” -Eve C.

10. “I want you to lay down on your bed and contemplate what you are doing with your life.  And then hopefully you’ll come to the realization that you are nothing but a waste of matter in this universe and you should explore space for the rest of your life to find a black hole to stick your self in so you this mistake of your existence can be remedied.” -Virgina M.

Those are just some of the things these women from school say to me.  But the thing is…I kind of like it…or I should I LOVE it.  It really turns me on.  I get off on these comments.  Like the more they say these mean things that would upset any other person, I can’t help but just pleasure myself.  I will re-read the mean comments that people say to me to pleasure myself.  But sometimes it’s like, DAMN IT, can’t there be a new one already.  Then that new one arrives, and oh, I just finally climax. 

I Have Five Minutes…

Until my mom comes downstairs to masturbate.  She is currently cleaning the upstairs bathroom.  I have to do this quick.  I’m pretty sure it will take five minutes for her to come down the family room.  This will be a challenger for me because normally it takes me 60 minutes.  So, this will be a great test.  I need to start right away.  Time to go to the bathroom to get some moisturizer.  Got it.  Forgot my condoms.  I always use two.  I need to run upstairs real quick and crack open my piggy bank to get some.  Back.  Alright, I’m down to a minute now.  I can still do this!  Now to find the appropriate porn video.  Black girls?  Okay.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Top picks today? Okay.  That girl looks cute.  Watching it now.  Now that she has her top off, I think I’ll try some other video.

I can hear my mom coming down the stairs now.  I got ten seconds to do this.  Strapping on my condoms.  Slapping on my moisturizer.  THREE SECONDS!

My mom sees me.  Things will never be the same between us again.  I’ve been banned from the family room.

Help Me!

For a long time, I’ve suffered from depression.  I’ve been in and out of hospitals.  Tried committing suicide.  I’ve already tried gender reassignment surgery to fix my problems but it didn’t help.  Then I had a surgeon cut off my legs thinking that was the problem, but that didn’t help either.  Now I have a robotic legs.  But the other day I swear I finally figured it out.  When I was rearranging my room, I discovered it.  I was born the wrong race.  

I need your help to transform me from a white woman turned white man into a black man.  The cost will be a lot.  Using pills to dye my skin black throughout the rest of my life will be all that is required.  But first we need to do research to develop these pills.  Please if you know any millionaires, send them to this post.  Let them know the pain I’ve suffered in coming to this epiphany.  

I want to be able to walk through the streets of the ghetto and not be looked at as an outsider.  I want to be a leader among those who always wanted to be a different race, whether it is Asian, Hispanic, White, Black, Native American, or Indian.  

Fox News’ THE FIVE 10/4/13 Transcript (5:15 – 5:20)

Eric Bolling: Yesterday, a woman by the name of Miriam Carey drove around like a mad person between the White House and the Capitol Building.  Now we’re learning she is crazy.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Is that right?

Eric Bolling: That’s right.  Turns out she suffered from postpartum depression.

Greg Gutfeld: Isn’t that the illness that Tom Cruise said wasn’t real?

(Everybody laughs)

Eric Bolling: Is postpartum depression real or is it not?

Dana Perino: It is real.

Eric Bolling: Is it?

Andrea Tantaros: It is.

Eric Bolling: Okay, I’ll take your word for it.  So, anyways we have even more interesting information about this madwoman.  Can you give that information, Juan?

Juan Williams: Yes, it turns out that she was obsessed with Obama.  She thought he was talking to her, controlling her life.  She was just trying to get to see him.

(Everyone laughs.)

Eric Bolling: Is it possible that maybe she did know Obama?

Bob Beckel: No. That’s impossible.

Eric Bolling: Well, let’s get this straight.  She has a one year old daughter.  Obama is not a religious man.  Could it be that this girl is his bastard?

Bob Becker: Obama is a family man. There is no evidence that he would ever have an affair.

Eric Bolling: Even J.F. Kennedy was Catholic and he would cheat on his wife constantly.  I don’t think we should say this isn’t possible until we get this child a DNA test between President Obama and her.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Eric you make a pretty good point.  What do we know about President Obama?  We know he never sits down with Congress.  What does he do all day?  Filandering with women is probably all he does.

Greg Gutfeld: It’s obvious he and Michelle have an open marriage.  Just look at them.

Eric Bolling: She was only trying to get her baby to see his baby.

Andrea Tantaros: It could be that the Obama administration and the liberal media are part of a conspiracy to hide the President’s infidelity.

Bob Beckel: Guys, what has gotten into you?