Archive | August 2012

In Defense of Todd Akin

“It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare.  If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down. But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”
-Todd Akin from an interview on the Jaco Report on Fox St. Louis

Todd Akin say, in my mind, nothin wrong.  In front of my woman, howevr, I say dat itis.  And ‘dis is wat dis story is all for.  I no for FACT dat every man agreas wit Todd Akin on what he say.  What he say is completely for true.

Im sick of havin 2 be dis completely different person in front of my girl!

1st, she make me stop playin video games.  I used to play on dat Xbox wit my Xbox friends.  Wit Call uv Duty, she complain dat it was sick that I pretendin to kills people.  Wit Halo, she say same thing evin dough killin aliens are different.  Wit Forza Motorsport, she say dat it make no sense why I want to pretend to drive on dare when I can drive my ride.  Well, I cant drive at speeds over 80 on da street.  Make dat 70 mostly cuz I drive all do place wit her.  She say 80 is 2 fast & complainin if she sees that I drivin over 70.

2nd, she dont want me no watch no porn.  She say its same thin as cheatin on her.  I say dat it pretty much da same thin as if I imaginin nother woman which she has no control over cept much easier to imagine.  Plus, she never wants to do behind; she say it hert.  So how I suppose to imagine dat as easily as watchin it doin by 2 other people who love 2?

3st, she say dat she dont like me smokin my marry jane.  She say dat itis a disgustin habitat.  Plus, da cops dont like it.

I often ask myself wether havin a woman is worth it.  What dis deal wit dis hole mogonamy concept?  It completely unnatural.  If I have  urge to put it in, PUT IT IN, oda girls, I shouod beez ables to lisen to my body & do it.  & she shont care, cuz itis what men do.  Ive never had sex with an indian girl, asian girl, canadian girl, brazilian girl, & so on.

Ive abandon everythin dat I am for deese women.  Back in college in eigth grade, I used to bam, bam, bam women wit jokes about my large dog size & how my juice was additive like cocaine.  “Just dont put it in yo nose, I would say.  It too intense; only for da brave.”

Back 2 Todd, let analyse dis statement peace by peace.

  1. “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s really rare.”

2.  “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

  • Since there is some crazy women who delight 2 make up stories, dear obviously are iligitimate rapes.  My buddy once accused of raping this girl back in college.  I know he dont do it.  2 prove it, she died in a car accident be4 da trial & da charges were gone since it was her word against his.
  • Next, the female body has all sort of traps for my boys in the canal.  That’s why my boys is protected in the coat of juice.  Just like in real life, women try to shut us down, but eventually we men win…dat juice get in dat egg.
  • I often used never wear condoms when putin itin wit differant women back in college.  Sometimes they were 2 drunk 2 reamember to take dat pill.  And you know what happened, nothin!  They didnt get fat. Here ain’t no baby born.

3.  “But let’s assume that maybe that didn’t work or something: I think there should be some punishment, but the punishment ought to be of the rapist, and not attacking the child.”

  • Obviously, dis guy wants to punish rapists.  And due to his moral believes, he dont want no abortion to exist under any circumstances.

Why We Need Poor People

Why We Need Poor People


Politicians like Barack Hussein Obama and Willard Romney like to proclaim that they are champions of the middle class.  They both say that they want the average wages of the common American to increase, the number of jobs available to increase, and the well-being of all to increase.  However, what these fools do not get is that, if everyone has a job or makes a decent yearly wage, we would not have any poor people.

Poor people provide a necessary piece of the puzzle for our American society.  Normally, when seeing a drunken person fall down on the ground from being so inebriated, it is hilarious.  However, if that person is poor and homeless, it is even funnier.  “Poor guy! First he’s homeless, but now he cannot even walk,” I like to say to myself as I keep my distance from the man.

I like to use poor people as an example for my kids of what not to become.  Whenever my son, Jacob, and I see a homeless person, I like to give a lecture on that homeless person.  “He’s a worthless drunk and a drug user.  Born into a family with no money, he was not able to make it out of his natural poverty.  He is the definition of a sore loser,” I tell him.  And whenever we see a homeless woman, all dirtied up and most likely smelling of sewage, I tell him, “Homeless women are surprisingly cheaper prostitutes than normal prostitutes.  All I have to do is give them a bottle of booze and they will give me oral sex in return.  Two dollars for a f**k ain’t bad now, is it?”  While he is only five and not really understanding of what sex is, I am sure one day he will remember this wisdom that I have passed down to him.

As a society, the most important aspect that poor people provide is crime.  Economists say that the biggest dilemma we face as humans is an increasing population with decreasing resources.  It is a good thing then that we have poor people to commit murders and to commit suicide due to their unhappiness of being impoverished.  Insurance companies also benefit from poor people’s crimes.  If poor people didn’t exist, who would be there to rob convenience stores or banks or to commit arson and vandalism?  If there was no one to do that, why would a company owner buy insurance for his building?

Poor people are good for taxes too.  Every year I get tax deductions off of my billions of dollars I make by donating to some dumb charity.  Though, if we keep on feeding the poor, won’t they just keep on living?  It goes against the idea that we need to decrease our population.  But then that goes against the idea that we need poor people.  So, maybe if half of the poor dies, and the other half survives…that is a good compromise.

Often, people like me, except not me, feel good about donating to homeless shelters or charities.  It gives them some sort of happiness to help the poor.  I tell my daughter though not to rely on donating to the poor to give her happiness.  Eventually, if she keeps donating all her money to the poor, eventually she will be poor.  Then one day she will be a two-dollar hooker.  But I tell her not to impart this wisdom onto any of her friends that could become attractive one day.  I have a fantasy of one of her friends giving oral sex for two dollars one day.  And then I would say after she finishes, “Remember me?  You used to be my daughter’s friend back in the first grade.”

I hope this essay gives America a better grasp on what why we need ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the nation’s wealth held by one percent of U.S. citizens rather than just ninety-nine percent.  Poor people, keep on, keeping on.