I Have Five Minutes…

Until my mom comes downstairs to masturbate.  She is currently cleaning the upstairs bathroom.  I have to do this quick.  I’m pretty sure it will take five minutes for her to come down the family room.  This will be a challenger for me because normally it takes me 60 minutes.  So, this will be a great test.  I need to start right away.  Time to go to the bathroom to get some moisturizer.  Got it.  Forgot my condoms.  I always use two.  I need to run upstairs real quick and crack open my piggy bank to get some.  Back.  Alright, I’m down to a minute now.  I can still do this!  Now to find the appropriate porn video.  Black girls?  Okay.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Top picks today? Okay.  That girl looks cute.  Watching it now.  Now that she has her top off, I think I’ll try some other video.

I can hear my mom coming down the stairs now.  I got ten seconds to do this.  Strapping on my condoms.  Slapping on my moisturizer.  THREE SECONDS!

My mom sees me.  Things will never be the same between us again.  I’ve been banned from the family room.

Help Me!

For a long time, I’ve suffered from depression.  I’ve been in and out of hospitals.  Tried committing suicide.  I’ve already tried gender reassignment surgery to fix my problems but it didn’t help.  Then I had a surgeon cut off my legs thinking that was the problem, but that didn’t help either.  Now I have a robotic legs.  But the other day I swear I finally figured it out.  When I was rearranging my room, I discovered it.  I was born the wrong race.  

I need your help to transform me from a white woman turned white man into a black man.  The cost will be a lot.  Using pills to dye my skin black throughout the rest of my life will be all that is required.  But first we need to do research to develop these pills.  Please if you know any millionaires, send them to this post.  Let them know the pain I’ve suffered in coming to this epiphany.  

I want to be able to walk through the streets of the ghetto and not be looked at as an outsider.  I want to be a leader among those who always wanted to be a different race, whether it is Asian, Hispanic, White, Black, Native American, or Indian.  

Fox News’ THE FIVE 10/4/13 Transcript (5:15 – 5:20)

Eric Bolling: Yesterday, a woman by the name of Miriam Carey drove around like a mad person between the White House and the Capitol Building.  Now we’re learning she is crazy.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Is that right?

Eric Bolling: That’s right.  Turns out she suffered from postpartum depression.

Greg Gutfeld: Isn’t that the illness that Tom Cruise said wasn’t real?

(Everybody laughs)

Eric Bolling: Is postpartum depression real or is it not?

Dana Perino: It is real.

Eric Bolling: Is it?

Andrea Tantaros: It is.

Eric Bolling: Okay, I’ll take your word for it.  So, anyways we have even more interesting information about this madwoman.  Can you give that information, Juan?

Juan Williams: Yes, it turns out that she was obsessed with Obama.  She thought he was talking to her, controlling her life.  She was just trying to get to see him.

(Everyone laughs.)

Eric Bolling: Is it possible that maybe she did know Obama?

Bob Beckel: No. That’s impossible.

Eric Bolling: Well, let’s get this straight.  She has a one year old daughter.  Obama is not a religious man.  Could it be that this girl is his bastard?

Bob Becker: Obama is a family man. There is no evidence that he would ever have an affair.

Eric Bolling: Even J.F. Kennedy was Catholic and he would cheat on his wife constantly.  I don’t think we should say this isn’t possible until we get this child a DNA test between President Obama and her.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Eric you make a pretty good point.  What do we know about President Obama?  We know he never sits down with Congress.  What does he do all day?  Filandering with women is probably all he does.

Greg Gutfeld: It’s obvious he and Michelle have an open marriage.  Just look at them.

Eric Bolling: She was only trying to get her baby to see his baby.

Andrea Tantaros: It could be that the Obama administration and the liberal media are part of a conspiracy to hide the President’s infidelity.

Bob Beckel: Guys, what has gotten into you?

Why the Government Shutdown Is Good For Me

Below are testimonials from different government workers, whom contrary to popular belief, actually like the government shutdown.

Ian, Food and Drug Administration

“Everyday is just so boring.  I test this batch of food for a disease.  I test this batch of food for diseases.  What’s the point?  Don’t you people want a little adventure in your lives.  Just buy the food from Mexico and eat it.  Don’t be such cowards.  For once in my life, I feel like I am doing good in the world just having these few days off.”

Angela, National Park Ranger

“National Parks are so crowded these days.  And now they are finally closed to the public.  I get to finally test my theory with my co-worker Tom that when confronted with a threatening bear, the best way to not get attacked by it, is to start boning down in the missionary position.  Let the bear come close and sniff our crotches while we are having intercourse; it will back away, nod in approval and go its separate way from us.”

Rick, Environmental Protection Agency

“This government shutdown is…” good “…for America.  It represents everything that is horrible with…” Democrats. “…They don’t care about anything but…” saving their own skin and worshiping their supreme dictator OHO.

Senator Ted Cruz, United States Senator

“Had the American people just elected all Republicans in 2012 elections, including Mitt Romney, we wouldn’t be in this situation today.  We would’ve defunded Obamacare, food stamps, Meals on Wheels, the EPA, the Department of Education, the Food and Drug Administration; finished our wars in Syria, Iran, Russia, Pakistan, and China; and most of all we’ve would’ve ensured that the debt limit would’ve been raised ten times already this year.”

DeAndre Walsh, Insane Homeless Rapper

“I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  Cats, lions, dogs.  They disappear.  You gonna to #### that bitch or you gonna to #### that bitch?”

Aaron Goldman, Investment Banker

“I’ve been betting on this shutdown showdown all year.  The economy and stock markets will go down and my assets will go up thanks to my friends in Congress.  I get 40 percent of the profits.  My partners in Congress gets 60.”

Amy Jackson, Planned Parenthood

“What I do is a sin.  It says in the Bible if a man pulls out of his brother’s wife during climax, he and she should die.  But now that the government is down I can atone my sins by switching out lube with super glue and birth control pills with poison.”

Senator Harry Reid, United States Senator

“The Affordable Care Act is just that.  It’s good, affordable care for Americans.  That’s why we named it that.  For Republicans to call it anything else is just wrong.  You wouldn’t shoot Transformers 4 in Chicago only have it take place in Toronto, Canada.  That would be a lie on the American people and that is exactly what we are not doing, but the Republicans are.”

Michelle Bachmann, United States Congresswoman

“Mike (Wallace), the American people need to know that…that…the President and Democrats…umm…I’m sorry I can’t think of anything right now.”

Female Awakening

 

Men: Creators of our English Language, Latin, Greek, Spanish, etcetera.  There was no input from a woman when creating the word ‘the’ or ‘a’ as grammatical articles.  It was they who decided that their ding-a-ling would be called a penis and my hoo-ha a vagina.  

Like all women, I detest the word vagina.  These three syllables make an uncommon reaction of just ‘yuck’ in me.   How would men like it if their penises were called vaginas?  Would they be fine with that?  I doubt they would.  I personally love the sound of the word penis.  It gets me going—going good.   I wish I could tell men I have a penis too and reasons why I do, but they would just not want to sleep with me.  I would sound ‘crazy like a woman’ to them.  God Damn Them All to Hell.  (Except for their penises. LOL.)

So, what I am really grabbing at here is maybe we should make a new word for our hoo-ha’s and lady parts.  Women are the ones should decide these things. 

I’d say let’s look at some choices for the hoo-ha itself.  

Shoot…I think I just broke a nail typing.  Ouch!  Tears are flowing down my face.  What the hell?  I just painted them all a nice bright red to get men to notice them.  There have been studies you know that say wearing red makes men ‘stick out’ ultra-tangy like a horse, but still a man—a stallion.  

That whole last paragraph was just a ploy boys to make you think that I am just some flimsy bimbo like you men all think women to be.  But I am not!  I am not!

Anyways, let’s look at the choices now.

a) The letter ‘o’ capitalized: O—pronounced ‘ooho’.  (No, it’s not pronounced Ooh-hoe but ooh-o.)

b) My Low-nerve area.

c) My Canal

d) My Cunt…I know.  It’s the worst word in the world right.  But the gays took the word gay and made it their own.  But I think maybe this could work.  NOT.  DAMN MEN.  How dare you ever call any woman that horrible word.

e) My Dick Hole.

f) My Penis Snatcher

g) My ‘Moist on a Dime’

That’s all I can think of you damn men and women!  Yeah, I hate you too women, because you are my competition for men.  Stupid bitches

Why the War in Iraq Was Worth It

Irāq. Its former dictator Saddam Hussein for about 24 years from 1979 to 2003, which was the start of the American-Iraq war.  Throughout his tenure, he committed mass-genocide on his country’s people and killed countless others who defied him.  

As a citizen of Iraq, I loved how my country was toppled so ferociously by the U.S. army.  George W. Bush is my hero.  Dick Cheney is a close second.  I remember the day that the statue of Saddam was thrown down like it was yesterday.  I was there in the plaza masturbating at the time.  Wearing a niqab has its benefits as I can hide my facial expressions as I masturbate.  Often I am sweaty anyways wearing my black burqa, so no one really takes notice my sweating when I masturbate.  Plus, Arabic sounds like moaning anyways.

Before in Saddam’s rein, I was raped several times.  But now it is a weekly occurrence.  It’s certainly better than just having sex with your husband.  I really get into my rapes.

My husband is one of the leaders of Al Qaeda in Iraq.  Our lives are much improved from a financial aspect.  To other potential terrorists, my husband and I ask that they give us all of their assets in exchange for explosives.  My husband is extra rich from this.  Plus, we are in the construction business.  We build everything from parks, roads, buildings, plazas, and mosques.  So, accordingly these are the best places to blow up so we can collect more insurance money and then of build more.  If the insurance companies fail to pay, they know the consequences of dealing with Al Qaeda. While I do not really care for the cause of murdering innocent people, I do enjoy the economic benefits of it.

The Americans make for big business here in Iraq.  The more we blow up things and kill them, the longer they stay in the country to purchase food, oil, and Arabic pornography.  Kind of hilarious irony if you ask me.  Sort of like how when I tell my husband that other men rape me, he has them killed instead of me.

I run a prostitution ring on the side with my husband for poor women under the age of 18 who’s parents were murdered by terrorist attacks.  The Americans, like anyone, love having sex with unshaven women.  Once, they do, we take pictures and video to blackmail them sometimes into giving us their monies.

What is the goal in all of this?  Who knows.  There certainly is not a heaven or an Allah that exists.  So even though technically doing all these things would get us there, there really is no point from a religious standpoint.

The Adventures of Adam and Eve

God: Now, there is an apple tree here that I don’t want you to eat from.  See it now?  It is glowing temporarily.  Every other apple tree is good.  But do not eat from this particular one.  It is not allowed.

Eve: Why is it not allowed?

God: No particular reason.  Just don’t eat from it.  How do you like living so far?  

Adam:  It’s great.

Eve: It’s wonderful.  Thank you for your gift of life.

God: Good.  I’m glad you like the garden so far. That’s all for today, you two.  Oh, be fruitful and multiply.

Eve turned to Adam and said to him…

Eve: That is so strange.  He created the tree with perfectly viable fruit and yet he doesn’t want us to eat from it.  That is so weird.

Adam: Viable?! What a nice word.  Did you just make it up?

Eve: Yes. It means…

Adam: I know what it means.  We are both blessed with infinite knowledge, you and I.

Eve: Well, anyway why do you think he banned us from eating from that tree?

Adam: I say, let’s just not worry about it. 

Eve: Oh Adam, you have an erection.

Adam:  My first one surprisingly considering we’ve been alive for a full ten minutes.

Eve: I am naked.

Adam: So, should we be fruitful yet?

Eve: No need to rush it.  Let’s make it special.

Adam: So, let’s eat.  Ignore my blood-full penis.

Eve: Oh don’t you want to explore the land?  

Adam: Yes. Let’s each go our separate ways and meet up tonight!

Eve: Sounds like a plan, Adam.

So, Eve and Adam went their separate ways.  Eve went Northwest and Adam went East.

Adam saw all the beautiful flowers on the east side of the garden of Eden.  He walked for miles until he came to an edge.  

Adam (thinking): Huh, I wonder if I can come up with some kind of measuring system for my penis.  I wonder if it is bigger than these flowers?

Eve on her way northwest came across the forbidden tree.  She walked up to it nervously and closed her eyes.

Eve: If you were a man instead of a tree, I’d want to make love your brains out.  There’s something about you tree.  I’d want you inside me, if you had a penis.  But unfortunately, you are made of wood.

Adam was busy measuring lying down comparing his erect penis to things like flower stems, toads, and preparing for his ultimate venture into Eve’s vagina by digging a hole into the ground and sticking his penis in it to see how it felt.  

Eve meanwhile was still at the tree fondling her breasts for some reason.

God (thinking): What the heck?

At the end of the evening, Adam and Eve both met up again.  So, Adam asked her if they could now have sex to which she replied not yet.  

Adam: Well, Eve. I’ve gathered many fruits and vegetables for us to eat tonight.

Eve:  Thank you.  (I can’t tell him about me just being in front of the tree all day)  I explored the land.  It was quite something.

And so the pair forced into a bond of marriage the day they were created went to sleep.  When they woke up, they realized they both had to go pee and poop.  This was a new experience for them.  After they pooped, they both wondered if they should try to eat the poop even though it was very bad smelling.  As they were about to do it, God’s voice appeared.

God: NO!  Don’t eat the poop.  It will make you very sick.

Adam: Thanks God.

Eve: First, the tree.  Now, the poop?

Adam: It must be bad for us.  It smells so.

Eve: I can get that then.  But the tree?  I still don’t get.  I visited it yesterday for very briefly and the fruit smelled splendid.  Do you want to see what I mean?

Adam: I’ll go with you.

So, the pair forced into a bond of marriage the day they were created–WAIT, I already said that–went to tree they were forbidden to eat from.  

Adam: It smells delicious.

Suddenly, a snake appeared.  It began to talk.

Snake: Hello, friends, I wanted, to, let, you, all, know, that, the, reason why, God, has forbidden, the fruit, is, because, if, you, eat, the fruit, you will, become, gods, yourselves.

Adam: You speak with a lot of commas.

Snake: I, do, not.

Eve: Gods! That’s it.  I’m going to have a bite.

Eve then took a forbidden bite from the apple.  It was delicious to her.  It was juicy beyond belief.

Adam: Well, any good?

Eve: It was delicious.  Here have some?

Adam:  No, thank, you.

Eve: Okay, snake. Haha.

The snake felt bad he was being made fun of after he pretended to be so helpful.

Eve: But really?  Have a bite. 

Adam: No thanks. Really. 

Eve: Adam! If you don’t eat this apple, you will not be putting that erect penis, which by the way you’ve had pretty much non-stop since we were created yesterday, inside my V.

Adam: I am not eating this apple.  Sorry.  You can continue eating it.  But I would rather not.

Eve was shocked that her power over sex did not persuade Adam to eat the apple.  

Eve:  Why don’t you just go? (angrily)

Adam: Okay. Will do. (angrily)

As Adam walked away, he turned around and spoke again.

Adam: Look what you did to my penis!  You shrunk it.

Eve: It’s about time that thing went to normal size for once.

So, hours went by, where Eve waited by the tree for Adam to return to apologize and eat an apple from a tree.  Eve then walked to their base camp where they spent the night last night.  Again, there was no sign of Adam.  So, she walked around looking for him.

Eve (thinking): I’m sure he went east.

She finally found Adam and he was doing something strange.

Eve: What are you doing?

Adam: I’m playing a game I made up.  It’s called tennis.  You take this paddle here, hit the ball, and try to score against the other person.

Eve:  What other person?

Adam: Frank over there.

Eve looked over and saw figure in the shape of a man made of leaves and branches.  Acorns were on forming its eyes and twigs made it the shape of a smiley face.

Eve: That’s not a person.  That’s an imaginary figure.

Adam:  We’ve been talking for hours.

Eve: He isn’t capable of saying anything.

Adam: Still more interesting than you.

Eve: Ugh (disgusted).  How dare you call me less interesting than Frank?  If you don’t destroy Frank right now, you will never have sex with me.  EVER!

Adam: I would never destroy you, Frank!  Don’t listen to no word this bitch is sayin’.

Eve: Now you are talking like a rapper.

Adam: What is a rapper?

Eve: I don’t know.  But that’s what I’ll call talking like that to mean.

Adam: Look, I don’t need to have sex with you.  I’ve already seen you naked.  I can just masturbate.

Eve: You bastard.

Adam: Buh-bye! (Adam waves his hand.)

Eve then closed her fist and lifted up her middle finger.

Adam: I don’t know what that means.  Is that supposed to mean something?

After Eve left, Adam then spoke to up to God.

Adam: God, if you can hear me, I would like to talk to you.  This lady Eve.  She is a bitch.  I need another wife.

God: I’m sorry Adam, but you need to reconcile with Eve.

Adam: I’m sorry.  It just didn’t work out.  She even ate from the forbidden tree. I mean you made me a wife once.  Why not make me another one?  I don’t see any other way for this whole being fruitful and multiplying thing to work out any other way otherwise.

God: Very well.  But this is your last chance.  Abra-Ca-Dabra.

And a another woman appeared.  

Woman:  Where am I?

Adam: You are a blonde.  Interesting.

Woman: What?!

Adam: Where you are doesn’t matter.  Let’s have sex.

Woman: My name’s…

Adam: I don’t care.

Woman: Oh, okay.

And so, Adam finally got his wish and lost his virginity.

The end.

 

Just kidding…the story continues.  This story is pretty slanted in favor of men, and  that would have been a great ending considering I am man, and I am writing some male fantasy that only men would find funny.

Let’s continue, shall we?

And so, Eve all alone slept the whole night.  When she awoke she heard a voice.  Not God’s.  Not Adams.  But a voice of another woman!

Eve: Who are you?

Woman: I’m…

Eve: I don’t care what your name is.  What are you doing here?

Adam: She’s my wife.

Eve: I’m your wife.

Adam: You were my unofficial wife. But we never consummated the deal.  She and I did.

Eve: Well, I fucked the tree.

Adam and the woman looked at each other in a “WTF!?” manner.

Eve: I mean…I don’t know.  

Eve began to sob profusely and she ran away, breasts jiggling.  Eve sat there and then asked God a question.

Eve: How could you have done this to me? Don’t you care about me?

God: You ate from the tree that was forbidden, Eve. 

Eve: Well, who am I supposed to marry now.

God: For that, I grant you, Matthias.  

And then Matthias appeared.

Eve: I will call him, Adam.

God: No, his name is Matthias.

Eve: Adam, how do you do?

Matthias/Adam 2: My name is Matthias.

Eve: Just have sex with me. Okay.

So, Matthias and Eve consummated their marriage to one another.  The next day, the couples ran into one another.

Eve: Look at this, Adam.  I have a new man.  His name is Adam.

Adam: Well, my woman’s name is…is…

Woman: How come you never let me tell you my name?

Matthias: Her name is Rosa.

Woman: No, it’s Amber.

Matthias: It was an educated guess based on your red nipples.

Adam: Amber!? Huh, I would’ve never guessed.

Woman: Well, Adam, why don’t you know my name?

Adam: I don’t know, Amber. It just never came up until now?

Woman: No, it did.

Adam: Look, I have an idea.  Why don’t we all just have sex with one another?

They all agreed that this was a fantastic idea.

As Adam was having sex with Eve, he said, “See, I got to have sex with you anyway and I didn’t even eat that fucking apple.”  

That’s the END!