Irāq. Its former dictator Saddam Hussein for about 24 years from 1979 to 2003, which was the start of the American-Iraq war. Throughout his tenure, he committed mass-genocide on his country’s people and killed countless others who defied him.
As a citizen of Iraq, I loved how my country was toppled so ferociously by the U.S. army. George W. Bush is my hero. Dick Cheney is a close second. I remember the day that the statue of Saddam was thrown down like it was yesterday. I was there in the plaza masturbating at the time. Wearing a niqab has its benefits as I can hide my facial expressions as I masturbate. Often I am sweaty anyways wearing my black burqa, so no one really takes notice my sweating when I masturbate. Plus, Arabic sounds like moaning anyways.
Before in Saddam’s rein, I was raped several times. But now it is a weekly occurrence. It’s certainly better than just having sex with your husband. I really get into my rapes.
My husband is one of the leaders of Al Qaeda in Iraq. Our lives are much improved from a financial aspect. To other potential terrorists, my husband and I ask that they give us all of their assets in exchange for explosives. My husband is extra rich from this. Plus, we are in the construction business. We build everything from parks, roads, buildings, plazas, and mosques. So, accordingly these are the best places to blow up so we can collect more insurance money and then of build more. If the insurance companies fail to pay, they know the consequences of dealing with Al Qaeda. While I do not really care for the cause of murdering innocent people, I do enjoy the economic benefits of it.
The Americans make for big business here in Iraq. The more we blow up things and kill them, the longer they stay in the country to purchase food, oil, and Arabic pornography. Kind of hilarious irony if you ask me. Sort of like how when I tell my husband that other men rape me, he has them killed instead of me.
I run a prostitution ring on the side with my husband for poor women under the age of 18 who’s parents were murdered by terrorist attacks. The Americans, like anyone, love having sex with unshaven women. Once, they do, we take pictures and video to blackmail them sometimes into giving us their monies.
What is the goal in all of this? Who knows. There certainly is not a heaven or an Allah that exists. So even though technically doing all these things would get us there, there really is no point from a religious standpoint.
God: Now, there is an apple tree here that I don’t want you to eat from. See it now? It is glowing temporarily. Every other apple tree is good. But do not eat from this particular one. It is not allowed.
Eve: Why is it not allowed?
God: No particular reason. Just don’t eat from it. How do you like living so far?
Adam: It’s great.
Eve: It’s wonderful. Thank you for your gift of life.
God: Good. I’m glad you like the garden so far. That’s all for today, you two. Oh, be fruitful and multiply.
Eve turned to Adam and said to him…
Eve: That is so strange. He created the tree with perfectly viable fruit and yet he doesn’t want us to eat from it. That is so weird.
Adam: Viable?! What a nice word. Did you just make it up?
Eve: Yes. It means…
Adam: I know what it means. We are both blessed with infinite knowledge, you and I.
Eve: Well, anyway why do you think he banned us from eating from that tree?
Adam: I say, let’s just not worry about it.
Eve: Oh Adam, you have an erection.
Adam: My first one surprisingly considering we’ve been alive for a full ten minutes.
Eve: I am naked.
Adam: So, should we be fruitful yet?
Eve: No need to rush it. Let’s make it special.
Adam: So, let’s eat. Ignore my blood-full penis.
Eve: Oh don’t you want to explore the land?
Adam: Yes. Let’s each go our separate ways and meet up tonight!
Eve: Sounds like a plan, Adam.
So, Eve and Adam went their separate ways. Eve went Northwest and Adam went East.
Adam saw all the beautiful flowers on the east side of the garden of Eden. He walked for miles until he came to an edge.
Adam (thinking): Huh, I wonder if I can come up with some kind of measuring system for my penis. I wonder if it is bigger than these flowers?
Eve on her way northwest came across the forbidden tree. She walked up to it nervously and closed her eyes.
Eve: If you were a man instead of a tree, I’d want to make love your brains out. There’s something about you tree. I’d want you inside me, if you had a penis. But unfortunately, you are made of wood.
Adam was busy measuring lying down comparing his erect penis to things like flower stems, toads, and preparing for his ultimate venture into Eve’s vagina by digging a hole into the ground and sticking his penis in it to see how it felt.
Eve meanwhile was still at the tree fondling her breasts for some reason.
God (thinking): What the heck?
At the end of the evening, Adam and Eve both met up again. So, Adam asked her if they could now have sex to which she replied not yet.
Adam: Well, Eve. I’ve gathered many fruits and vegetables for us to eat tonight.
Eve: Thank you. (I can’t tell him about me just being in front of the tree all day) I explored the land. It was quite something.
And so the pair forced into a bond of marriage the day they were created went to sleep. When they woke up, they realized they both had to go pee and poop. This was a new experience for them. After they pooped, they both wondered if they should try to eat the poop even though it was very bad smelling. As they were about to do it, God’s voice appeared.
God: NO! Don’t eat the poop. It will make you very sick.
Adam: Thanks God.
Eve: First, the tree. Now, the poop?
Adam: It must be bad for us. It smells so.
Eve: I can get that then. But the tree? I still don’t get. I visited it yesterday for very briefly and the fruit smelled splendid. Do you want to see what I mean?
Adam: I’ll go with you.
So, the pair forced into a bond of marriage the day they were created–WAIT, I already said that–went to tree they were forbidden to eat from.
Adam: It smells delicious.
Suddenly, a snake appeared. It began to talk.
Snake: Hello, friends, I wanted, to, let, you, all, know, that, the, reason why, God, has forbidden, the fruit, is, because, if, you, eat, the fruit, you will, become, gods, yourselves.
Adam: You speak with a lot of commas.
Snake: I, do, not.
Eve: Gods! That’s it. I’m going to have a bite.
Eve then took a forbidden bite from the apple. It was delicious to her. It was juicy beyond belief.
Adam: Well, any good?
Eve: It was delicious. Here have some?
Adam: No, thank, you.
Eve: Okay, snake. Haha.
The snake felt bad he was being made fun of after he pretended to be so helpful.
Eve: But really? Have a bite.
Adam: No thanks. Really.
Eve: Adam! If you don’t eat this apple, you will not be putting that erect penis, which by the way you’ve had pretty much non-stop since we were created yesterday, inside my V.
Adam: I am not eating this apple. Sorry. You can continue eating it. But I would rather not.
Eve was shocked that her power over sex did not persuade Adam to eat the apple.
Eve: Why don’t you just go? (angrily)
Adam: Okay. Will do. (angrily)
As Adam walked away, he turned around and spoke again.
Adam: Look what you did to my penis! You shrunk it.
Eve: It’s about time that thing went to normal size for once.
So, hours went by, where Eve waited by the tree for Adam to return to apologize and eat an apple from a tree. Eve then walked to their base camp where they spent the night last night. Again, there was no sign of Adam. So, she walked around looking for him.
Eve (thinking): I’m sure he went east.
She finally found Adam and he was doing something strange.
Eve: What are you doing?
Adam: I’m playing a game I made up. It’s called tennis. You take this paddle here, hit the ball, and try to score against the other person.
Eve: What other person?
Adam: Frank over there.
Eve looked over and saw figure in the shape of a man made of leaves and branches. Acorns were on forming its eyes and twigs made it the shape of a smiley face.
Eve: That’s not a person. That’s an imaginary figure.
Adam: We’ve been talking for hours.
Eve: He isn’t capable of saying anything.
Adam: Still more interesting than you.
Eve: Ugh (disgusted). How dare you call me less interesting than Frank? If you don’t destroy Frank right now, you will never have sex with me. EVER!
Adam: I would never destroy you, Frank! Don’t listen to no word this bitch is sayin’.
Eve: Now you are talking like a rapper.
Adam: What is a rapper?
Eve: I don’t know. But that’s what I’ll call talking like that to mean.
Adam: Look, I don’t need to have sex with you. I’ve already seen you naked. I can just masturbate.
Eve: You bastard.
Adam: Buh-bye! (Adam waves his hand.)
Eve then closed her fist and lifted up her middle finger.
Adam: I don’t know what that means. Is that supposed to mean something?
After Eve left, Adam then spoke to up to God.
Adam: God, if you can hear me, I would like to talk to you. This lady Eve. She is a bitch. I need another wife.
God: I’m sorry Adam, but you need to reconcile with Eve.
Adam: I’m sorry. It just didn’t work out. She even ate from the forbidden tree. I mean you made me a wife once. Why not make me another one? I don’t see any other way for this whole being fruitful and multiplying thing to work out any other way otherwise.
God: Very well. But this is your last chance. Abra-Ca-Dabra.
And a another woman appeared.
Woman: Where am I?
Adam: You are a blonde. Interesting.
Adam: Where you are doesn’t matter. Let’s have sex.
Woman: My name’s…
Adam: I don’t care.
Woman: Oh, okay.
And so, Adam finally got his wish and lost his virginity.
Just kidding…the story continues. This story is pretty slanted in favor of men, and that would have been a great ending considering I am man, and I am writing some male fantasy that only men would find funny.
Let’s continue, shall we?
And so, Eve all alone slept the whole night. When she awoke she heard a voice. Not God’s. Not Adams. But a voice of another woman!
Eve: Who are you?
Eve: I don’t care what your name is. What are you doing here?
Adam: She’s my wife.
Eve: I’m your wife.
Adam: You were my unofficial wife. But we never consummated the deal. She and I did.
Eve: Well, I fucked the tree.
Adam and the woman looked at each other in a “WTF!?” manner.
Eve: I mean…I don’t know.
Eve began to sob profusely and she ran away, breasts jiggling. Eve sat there and then asked God a question.
Eve: How could you have done this to me? Don’t you care about me?
God: You ate from the tree that was forbidden, Eve.
Eve: Well, who am I supposed to marry now.
God: For that, I grant you, Matthias.
And then Matthias appeared.
Eve: I will call him, Adam.
God: No, his name is Matthias.
Eve: Adam, how do you do?
Matthias/Adam 2: My name is Matthias.
Eve: Just have sex with me. Okay.
So, Matthias and Eve consummated their marriage to one another. The next day, the couples ran into one another.
Eve: Look at this, Adam. I have a new man. His name is Adam.
Adam: Well, my woman’s name is…is…
Woman: How come you never let me tell you my name?
Matthias: Her name is Rosa.
Woman: No, it’s Amber.
Matthias: It was an educated guess based on your red nipples.
Adam: Amber!? Huh, I would’ve never guessed.
Woman: Well, Adam, why don’t you know my name?
Adam: I don’t know, Amber. It just never came up until now?
Woman: No, it did.
Adam: Look, I have an idea. Why don’t we all just have sex with one another?
They all agreed that this was a fantastic idea.
As Adam was having sex with Eve, he said, “See, I got to have sex with you anyway and I didn’t even eat that fucking apple.”
That’s the END!