Archive | October 2013

I Have Five Minutes…

Until my mom comes downstairs to masturbate.  She is currently cleaning the upstairs bathroom.  I have to do this quick.  I’m pretty sure it will take five minutes for her to come down the family room.  This will be a challenger for me because normally it takes me 60 minutes.  So, this will be a great test.  I need to start right away.  Time to go to the bathroom to get some moisturizer.  Got it.  Forgot my condoms.  I always use two.  I need to run upstairs real quick and crack open my piggy bank to get some.  Back.  Alright, I’m down to a minute now.  I can still do this!  Now to find the appropriate porn video.  Black girls?  Okay.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Ugly girl.  Top picks today? Okay.  That girl looks cute.  Watching it now.  Now that she has her top off, I think I’ll try some other video.

I can hear my mom coming down the stairs now.  I got ten seconds to do this.  Strapping on my condoms.  Slapping on my moisturizer.  THREE SECONDS!

My mom sees me.  Things will never be the same between us again.  I’ve been banned from the family room.

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Help Me!

For a long time, I’ve suffered from depression.  I’ve been in and out of hospitals.  Tried committing suicide.  I’ve already tried gender reassignment surgery to fix my problems but it didn’t help.  Then I had a surgeon cut off my legs thinking that was the problem, but that didn’t help either.  Now I have a robotic legs.  But the other day I swear I finally figured it out.  When I was rearranging my room, I discovered it.  I was born the wrong race.  

I need your help to transform me from a white woman turned white man into a black man.  The cost will be a lot.  Using pills to dye my skin black throughout the rest of my life will be all that is required.  But first we need to do research to develop these pills.  Please if you know any millionaires, send them to this post.  Let them know the pain I’ve suffered in coming to this epiphany.  

I want to be able to walk through the streets of the ghetto and not be looked at as an outsider.  I want to be a leader among those who always wanted to be a different race, whether it is Asian, Hispanic, White, Black, Native American, or Indian.  

Fox News’ THE FIVE 10/4/13 Transcript (5:15 – 5:20)

Eric Bolling: Yesterday, a woman by the name of Miriam Carey drove around like a mad person between the White House and the Capitol Building.  Now we’re learning she is crazy.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Is that right?

Eric Bolling: That’s right.  Turns out she suffered from postpartum depression.

Greg Gutfeld: Isn’t that the illness that Tom Cruise said wasn’t real?

(Everybody laughs)

Eric Bolling: Is postpartum depression real or is it not?

Dana Perino: It is real.

Eric Bolling: Is it?

Andrea Tantaros: It is.

Eric Bolling: Okay, I’ll take your word for it.  So, anyways we have even more interesting information about this madwoman.  Can you give that information, Juan?

Juan Williams: Yes, it turns out that she was obsessed with Obama.  She thought he was talking to her, controlling her life.  She was just trying to get to see him.

(Everyone laughs.)

Eric Bolling: Is it possible that maybe she did know Obama?

Bob Beckel: No. That’s impossible.

Eric Bolling: Well, let’s get this straight.  She has a one year old daughter.  Obama is not a religious man.  Could it be that this girl is his bastard?

Bob Becker: Obama is a family man. There is no evidence that he would ever have an affair.

Eric Bolling: Even J.F. Kennedy was Catholic and he would cheat on his wife constantly.  I don’t think we should say this isn’t possible until we get this child a DNA test between President Obama and her.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: Eric you make a pretty good point.  What do we know about President Obama?  We know he never sits down with Congress.  What does he do all day?  Filandering with women is probably all he does.

Greg Gutfeld: It’s obvious he and Michelle have an open marriage.  Just look at them.

Eric Bolling: She was only trying to get her baby to see his baby.

Andrea Tantaros: It could be that the Obama administration and the liberal media are part of a conspiracy to hide the President’s infidelity.

Bob Beckel: Guys, what has gotten into you?

Why the Government Shutdown Is Good For Me

Below are testimonials from different government workers, whom contrary to popular belief, actually like the government shutdown.

Ian, Food and Drug Administration

“Everyday is just so boring.  I test this batch of food for a disease.  I test this batch of food for diseases.  What’s the point?  Don’t you people want a little adventure in your lives.  Just buy the food from Mexico and eat it.  Don’t be such cowards.  For once in my life, I feel like I am doing good in the world just having these few days off.”

Angela, National Park Ranger

“National Parks are so crowded these days.  And now they are finally closed to the public.  I get to finally test my theory with my co-worker Tom that when confronted with a threatening bear, the best way to not get attacked by it, is to start boning down in the missionary position.  Let the bear come close and sniff our crotches while we are having intercourse; it will back away, nod in approval and go its separate way from us.”

Rick, Environmental Protection Agency

“This government shutdown is…” good “…for America.  It represents everything that is horrible with…” Democrats. “…They don’t care about anything but…” saving their own skin and worshiping their supreme dictator OHO.

Senator Ted Cruz, United States Senator

“Had the American people just elected all Republicans in 2012 elections, including Mitt Romney, we wouldn’t be in this situation today.  We would’ve defunded Obamacare, food stamps, Meals on Wheels, the EPA, the Department of Education, the Food and Drug Administration; finished our wars in Syria, Iran, Russia, Pakistan, and China; and most of all we’ve would’ve ensured that the debt limit would’ve been raised ten times already this year.”

DeAndre Walsh, Insane Homeless Rapper

“I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  Cats, lions, dogs.  They disappear.  You gonna to #### that bitch or you gonna to #### that bitch?”

Aaron Goldman, Investment Banker

“I’ve been betting on this shutdown showdown all year.  The economy and stock markets will go down and my assets will go up thanks to my friends in Congress.  I get 40 percent of the profits.  My partners in Congress gets 60.”

Amy Jackson, Planned Parenthood

“What I do is a sin.  It says in the Bible if a man pulls out of his brother’s wife during climax, he and she should die.  But now that the government is down I can atone my sins by switching out lube with super glue and birth control pills with poison.”

Senator Harry Reid, United States Senator

“The Affordable Care Act is just that.  It’s good, affordable care for Americans.  That’s why we named it that.  For Republicans to call it anything else is just wrong.  You wouldn’t shoot Transformers 4 in Chicago only have it take place in Toronto, Canada.  That would be a lie on the American people and that is exactly what we are not doing, but the Republicans are.”

Michelle Bachmann, United States Congresswoman

“Mike (Wallace), the American people need to know that…that…the President and Democrats…umm…I’m sorry I can’t think of anything right now.”