Archive | July 2014

Adam Levine Got Married Today! :(

 

adamlevine

I think I speak for every woman here when I say:

I’m going to find out where you live, Adam Levine. So, one day when you come home to an expected empty house, you’ll find your wife there. Only, you’ll think it’s your wife because I’ll be wearing her clothes and the same hair style. Then I’ll turn around and say, “Hi, honey. I’ve been waiting for hours for you.” You’ll be shocked that it isn’t me. But I will continue to seduce you by pointing a gun at you. Then we’ll make love. And you’ll realize as you start to cry, I am your true wife.

Jenny Palmer

P.S. A good tip to please a man is to give him oral sex with your one hand while having a gun in the other pointed up against his scrotum.

 

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I’m Finally Coming Out! I’m Gay!

That’s right! Your good old mister nice congenial friendly Alford Mayer is coming out of the closet.  I’m not afraid of hiding anymore.

You’re probably all shocked, Facebook friends. You f***ers in high school used to make fun of me for being in Mathletes.  But you didn’t have a f***ing clue I was gay.  You missed out big time, you f***ing morons.

And to you @Cindy Fitzpatrick, my high school sweetheart:

I bet this makes no sense considering how much I banged you, you f***ing whore.

And to my parents:

You may have raised me, gave me emotional support, and bought me what I truly needed.  But you can both go to hell!  I don’t need you anymore.  I’M GAY!

And to the illegal immigrants who I befriended on my way crossing into Mexico from New Mexico and subsequently added as Facebook friends:

I called the border patrol on you f***ers right away.  That’s how you got caught.  But thanks for the tips of how to advance further into your country.

And to the African Americans, who I helped gain employment in Detroit:

I am actually a RACIST.  You may be working for my drug trade business that I brought in from Mexico.  But you’re only being paid half of what you should be.  The white people in the gang get paid twice what you do secretly.  Also, those houses I helped you get–it’s a ponzi scheme that benefits ME!

And to the U.S. Federal Government, who is looking for me now:

You think can catch me?! Wrong! I’m standing right now in the FBI headquarters and everybody is just walking by.  You’re all just a bunch of homophobic pieces of ****.

And to the singer of Vampire Weekend:

I don’t think your last album The Modern Vampires of the City was that great.  Its acclaim was mainly based on your past two albums and the critics were too scared to criticize your album.

And to my dog, Smithy:

I was the one who spray-painted LOSER on you.  It wasn’t “some burglar” like I told you it was.  I’m gay now, though.  So, f**k you.

And to the LGBT community:

Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I’m just going support the rights of Lesbians, Bisexuals, or Transsexuals.

That’s all I have to say for now.  Thank you all for reading.  I love you all very much.

Sincerely,

Alford Mayer

If Hillary Clinton Becomes President, She’ll Only Be a Sex Object to Me

I think I speak for everyone when I say, if Hillary Clinton ever becomes president, she’ll only be a sex object to me.  Just look at this picture below of her.

She is beautiful.  Look at the way BOTH of her eyes look to the right when she is looking to the right.  She’s smiling at me right now.  Do you think other people could take this person seriously as a president of the free world?  Congress is controlled by about 16% of women.  That means the 84% of Congress is going to get a hard-on when dealing with this babe.  International leaders too.

What we need is someone who looks like this, instead:

Look at this f***ing ugly woman.  Angela Merkel is disgusting.  She’s a monster.  This is someone men could deal with in negotiations.  It looks like she got punched in the face by the OBGYN right as her head popped out.  That’s the way I like my women to look–in business or politics.  Just like this.

So, until we find a suitable female candidate with the right qualification to be president, I will not be voting in the next election.

Raymond Wyatt
Mr. Wyatt lives at 04431 Gunter St, Houston, TX, 77020 for now.

Feminists, Leave Those Kids Alone!

Thesis Statement: Feminism is cute–cute in a my 5-year-old just painted a really bad picture by adult standards, but you are proud of the child for making artistic progress. Throughout the last 100 years, women have been given lots of accommodations.  They’ve been given the right to abortions, etc…  What more can they possibly want?!  Do they want men to carry around gestating babies in giant glass containers?
Father Carrying Baby in Water Tank

These feminists have made little girls into complicated women so complicated, I cannot even talk to a woman without offending her.  I don’t know what to do.  I would’ve been better off born into a different century where I could just marry a nice gal and settle down.  She would make the babies and tend to our home.  I would go out and work in my dream job of politics.

Realistically, I will probably have to end up adopting a child to ever own one.  But I would make sure to teach him or her my way of thinking.  Feminists are a lot like the greedy corporations around today.  They want one thing; then if you give them that, they want something else.  When will it end?  That is my final thought.

Robert Diaz
Mr. Diaz currently lives at 2020 N Bissell St. in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago, IL.