Why the Government Shutdown Is Good For Me

Below are testimonials from different government workers, whom contrary to popular belief, actually like the government shutdown.

Ian, Food and Drug Administration

“Everyday is just so boring.  I test this batch of food for a disease.  I test this batch of food for diseases.  What’s the point?  Don’t you people want a little adventure in your lives.  Just buy the food from Mexico and eat it.  Don’t be such cowards.  For once in my life, I feel like I am doing good in the world just having these few days off.”

Angela, National Park Ranger

“National Parks are so crowded these days.  And now they are finally closed to the public.  I get to finally test my theory with my co-worker Tom that when confronted with a threatening bear, the best way to not get attacked by it, is to start boning down in the missionary position.  Let the bear come close and sniff our crotches while we are having intercourse; it will back away, nod in approval and go its separate way from us.”

Rick, Environmental Protection Agency

“This government shutdown is…” good “…for America.  It represents everything that is horrible with…” Democrats. “…They don’t care about anything but…” saving their own skin and worshiping their supreme dictator OHO.

Senator Ted Cruz, United States Senator

“Had the American people just elected all Republicans in 2012 elections, including Mitt Romney, we wouldn’t be in this situation today.  We would’ve defunded Obamacare, food stamps, Meals on Wheels, the EPA, the Department of Education, the Food and Drug Administration; finished our wars in Syria, Iran, Russia, Pakistan, and China; and most of all we’ve would’ve ensured that the debt limit would’ve been raised ten times already this year.”

DeAndre Walsh, Insane Homeless Rapper

“I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  I got my nigga here.  Cats, lions, dogs.  They disappear.  You gonna to #### that bitch or you gonna to #### that bitch?”

Aaron Goldman, Investment Banker

“I’ve been betting on this shutdown showdown all year.  The economy and stock markets will go down and my assets will go up thanks to my friends in Congress.  I get 40 percent of the profits.  My partners in Congress gets 60.”

Amy Jackson, Planned Parenthood

“What I do is a sin.  It says in the Bible if a man pulls out of his brother’s wife during climax, he and she should die.  But now that the government is down I can atone my sins by switching out lube with super glue and birth control pills with poison.”

Senator Harry Reid, United States Senator

“The Affordable Care Act is just that.  It’s good, affordable care for Americans.  That’s why we named it that.  For Republicans to call it anything else is just wrong.  You wouldn’t shoot Transformers 4 in Chicago only have it take place in Toronto, Canada.  That would be a lie on the American people and that is exactly what we are not doing, but the Republicans are.”

Michelle Bachmann, United States Congresswoman

“Mike (Wallace), the American people need to know that…that…the President and Democrats…umm…I’m sorry I can’t think of anything right now.”

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