Why The Earth Gets Cold

Every year the earth gets warmer, then colder. The ice melts, then freezes. The sun stays out for twelve hours in the summer but only 9 hours in the winter.  Why does this happen?

The answer fellow Christians and false religion practitioners is Satan.  Satan every year takes the warmth of the earth and brings it into hell.  He makes it so it stays darker longer so he can influence more souls to do evil.

The statistics are there.  There are more murders, thefts, and molestation of men during the colder months.  Internet Pornography usage skyrockets so women can heat up during their time of the month (I don’t like using the terms ‘period’ or ‘menstruation’ because those terms are inappropriate for speaking out loud or on paper).  The Jews also light candles more often during the month of December for an unknown reason.

I pray the rosary one hundred times a day whenever it dips below 40 degrees Fahrenheit.  I pray for the gays, the Jews, the Muslims, and President Obama to stop their evil ways and see the light of the one, true God.  I pray that John Mayer can finally stop his sexual urges and promiscuity to finally settle down with a Christian woman.   Same goes for Taylor Swift and her search for love (If she were to just understand that having sex before marriage only makes heartache hurt more, then she would finally start making the right decisions for her life.)

Sometimes angels appear to me during summer, but never during winter.  Why is that?

We all know that Satan was once an angel himself.  He was the top angel under God.  He had the whitest, widest, wildest wings of any angel.  But in his jealousy of God, he asked why God had to be his master and he got other angels to follow him.  It sounds to me like Satan was like my three year old son who asks why it is that I am the boss of him.  And instead of sending my son into timeout for a few minutes, Satan is in timeout for eternity in a place called hell.  If I put my son in timeout for eternity, he would starve to death.  But Satan does not starve to death because his energy comes from fire.

Hell is a place where fire is everywhere.   Except while normally firefighters would be hired to put out fires, there are no firefighters in hell.  Fire is relished there.  It’s hard to understand for us humans, because we did not make this place up.  But Satan mainly uses the hell-fire to punish us sinners who are unfortunate to die with mortal sins on our soul records.  And then he uses the screams to produce more energy like in the movie Monsters Inc..  It’s sad that had these sinners just gone to confession before they died, they would have at least made it to purgatory.

Purgatory is a place that is a little bit between heaven and hell.  In order to get to heaven, one must repent for his or her sins in purgatory.  No one knows what it is like, but there are rumors that it’s a little like earth and you have to make things right in the lives of the people you loved before you can get to heaven not unlike the movie, Ghost Town.

Now, that you have a better picture of the afterlife, you can hopefully understand why Satan would want to get more heat in his place of residence.  So, what can we do about this problem?

I have a little solution and it’s called Global Warming.  The secular, liberal Democrats want to prevent it, because the dark one that shall not be named has perverted their thinking to stop global warming and save the earth from getting warmer.  Democrats therefore want the earth to still have winters.  They like snowmen and abortions and that pill that let’s women not become with child (I do not like the term baby either).  You see we need more heat on the earth, so from now don’t try to use less electricity or more fuel efficient vehicles.  In fact, we need to stop planting trees so they do not use Carbon Dioxide to make sugar in photosynthesis.   Cutting down the rain forests completely and mining for gold, oil, and minerals for our breakfast cereals is not wrong.  It’s right. Whatever we can do to get more carbon in the ozone layer to heat our planet, we should do.  We need to stop these battles over the economy and focus on the one true battle: the elimination of winter east and west of the equator if you were to tilt your head to the side.

If you have doubts about what I say, do not fret.  Those are only natural to our corrupted, human minds.  The key is to this is to believe what I say to be true with no hesitation.

Thank you for reading, and I can’t wait to see you in heaven.  If you do go to hell, I can still see you through a telescope lens from one of the balconies in heaven.  So, I will be able to check up on you.

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